I have a huge amount of respect for my fellow brothers and sisters who seem to be fine with singleness. But I often wonder: do they ever feel really alone? Like soul-shattering loneliness? Do they long for companionship? Do they miss or want to just be with someone? To hold onto when they need a companion? To cherish and love? To talk to? To confide in? Because I sure do! In my mind, because of my life struggles with lust I do not ever deserve another shot at love and that is a fact! The people who are fine with singleness seem like they are independent, maybe they've had their hearts broken too many times. Maybe they have lost faith and trust in people; I know a few who have, it is both heartbreaking and understandable. We can only take so much before giving up or going cold turkey. That or some are lying, loneliness hurts a lot. More than I can express here.
Valentine 's Day is just around the corner and once again I am sickened at the amount of crap the stores throw in my face. For one thing: being alone and seeing all the hearts, chocolates and flowers kind of gets me down. Secondly, filling one day of the year with corny cards, chocolates and love when there are 364 other days of the year is... dare I say stupid (now I realize Valentines is nothing more than a day that stores created to make money, and the epitome of consumerism. that's why its stupid). If I was not single, I would rather plan to do something instead of buying something for my mate because let's face it: that plush heart will collect dust. Doing something romantic, spontaneous and fun will create lasting memories. And of course guys getting on the knee with a ring on Valentine's may seem typical but hey, go for it! But why do all this lovey stuff on Feb 14? Surprise him/her on a different day too! I look at this and realize what a distant dream that is. So this year on Feb 14th, I have a hot date with books, commentaries and blogs.... oh joy....
In the book Soul Cravings, Erwin McManus disucsses love; not much about romantic love, but agape love and community:
"When you give up on love, everything else seems to go with it: faith, hope, forgiveness, compassion, joy- they are all interconnected. But you might wonder: 'what if I never find love'? (I ask that question more than I care to admit)... When love does not come to you, it breaks your heart, but when you do not give love away it hardens your heart. One thing stranger than our need to be loved is our need to love.We are designed for love". - Soul Cravings: "Love is a Thin Red Line".
Where am I going with all of this? God IS love. We were created to be a loving community. There is an empty feeling to being single, but it helps me examine myself and how badly I need grace. How much of a sinner I am, but also how I can grow, change and transform my heart; making it cleaner and purer than snow.
Create in me a clean heart, O God. And renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence O Lord, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me, the joy of your salvation. And renew a right spirit within me.
Happy Valentines/Single's Awareness/Weezer Day/Birthdays peeps!
Monday, February 13, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
We're all so broken. every living life form - broken. None the same as it once was. Why do we try so hard to present ourselves as if we are ... perfect? I am living in pieces, and each new day I discover what I was, and what I can become. There is beauty in the breakdown.- Bethany Liesmer .(friend from a previous job)